5. Understanding what happens next

When we met the midwife from the counselling team, we didn’t really know what to expect. Although, if she was anything like the midwives and nurses we’d met to date—at our scans, and also at the antenatal classes at Queen Mary Hospital—we knew she would be honest, and know what she was talking about.

I once read a comment from a mum-to-be criticising the level of English of a midwife at the (FREE AND INCREDIBLY HELPFUL) antenatal classes. She’d said that her and her husband had just walked out because she was so appalled. I found her comment appalling. We have been blown away with the professionalism and understanding of the public hospital nurses and doctors here. They tell you what you need to know, in the most direct, honest and knowledgeable terms. It can be refreshingly blunt, but it doesn’t lack compassion or understanding. Many are mothers themselves. We are so grateful for whatever knowledge and information anyone will share with us and learned something from every class we went to. 

The counsellor we met was no different. Calm, patient, she listened to our concerns and fears. When we told her that it was losing our Junebug that scared us the most, she told us exactly what we needed to know. She talked us through what happens when a baby dies shortly after birth, or, inside you. She told us about the process of inducing labour and what happens. We learned that you’re given as much time as you need with your baby at the hospital. You’re free to wash them, clothe them, take photos and be together as a family. It was really, really hard to hear. It made my chest burn and I know Erin felt the same. But it was important to understand, and somehow, it has helped us by bringing our worst fears out in the open to be talked about.

There was a definite point in time in this journey, where I changed my mind about what I could bear. When we first found out that we may not have the time we want with our baby, I didn’t know if I could go through with a full-term pregnancy. But we both came to realise, that even a few minutes would be worth it all. Making peace with that, doesn’t diminish our hope that Junebug will make it. I have to remind myself that that doesn’t mean we’re resigned to the worst-case scenario—but it means we are prepared for it.

We can’t control what happens. But we can heal and learn as we go. Even if it really, really sucks, a lot of the time.